Dear Homer’s Nuts,

You’ve had a good life. Your host has long legs, so you haven’t had too many sticks scraping you. I’m a pretty nice guy, so you’ve had no owners kicking you. And your host is still young and flexible, so… well, I don’t have to tell YOU the benefits of that.

Anyhow, I write this as an apology. There was a Force to be reckoned with in our household that demanded you be silenced forever. “No more pillow humping!” “Stop eating through the fence to get at the in-heat bitch next door!” “Ew, they’re all hairy and bally!” Despite my many protests on your behalf, I could not come up with a logical argument to save your lives. For better or for worse, proof by vigorous assertion doesn’t fly in this household.

And so by now, you’re lying in some medical waste bin awaiting disposal, and your poor former host will have to be tranq’d up for the next week. Sadly, he never loved (or lusted), pillow humping notwithstanding, so in that respect, I guess we’re putting you out of your pent-up misery. Nevertheless, it’s a terrible tragedy that something like this had to happen. You have my deepest, most heart-felt sympathies.

Dogspeed, little buddies. RIP.

Testically yours,

Jon