No more HoBalls

Dear Homer‘s Nuts,

You’ve had a good life.  Your host has long legs, so you haven’t had too many sticks scraping you.  I’m a pretty nice guy, so you’ve had no owners kicking you.  And your host is still young and flexible, so… well, I don’t have to tell YOU the benefits of that.

Anyhow, I write this as an apology.  There was a Force to be reckoned with in our household that demanded you be silenced forever.  “No more pillow humping!”  “Stop eating through the fence to get at the in-heat bitch next door!”  “Ew, they’re all hairy and bally!”  Despite my many protests on your behalf, I could not come up with a logical argument to save your lives.  For better or for worse, proof by vigorous assertion doesn’t fly in this household.

And so by now, you’re lying in some medical waste bin awaiting disposal, and your poor former host will have to be tranq’d up for the next week.  Sadly, he never loved (or lusted), pillow humping notwithstanding, so in that respect, I guess we’re putting you out of your pent-up misery.  Nevertheless, it’s a terrible tragedy that something like this had to happen.  You have my deepest, most heart-felt sympathies.

Dogspeed, little buddies.  RIP.

Testically yours,


2 thoughts on “No more HoBalls

  1. caliCHIEFS

    Jon- Let em introduce myself, My name is Robert and I live in Woodland. I have enjoyed your blogging and have finally decided to register. I felt it only appropriate to post my first comment here where you notified all about your LOYAL dog losing his manhood. How can you sleep at night knowing that he will not enjoy the sweet pleasure of a pillow hump? I am outraged that you caved into the boss about the situation.
    PS. Steve Andrade is also a Woodland baseball player in triple AAA. He played a couple of games this year with the Royals before getting shipped to the triple AAA Portland Beavers. Pedroia (who I think will be manning the infield real soon in Boston) and Torcato (who will have a few more cups of coffee) are not the only ones. Matt Pulley is also in the mix, but he is in single A for the Orioles and doesn’t really have a chance. I still admire him for living the dream though.
    ENOUGH SAID for my first post.  

  2. Jon Sagara

    Hey Robert!  Good to hear from you.  Yep, the balls are gone, but Homer has made a speedy recovery, and, except for the void between his rear legs, you’d never know anything happened.

    I played at WHS with Stephen from 94-96.  He was a heckuva fireballer then, and I suspect the same is true now.  I look for news on him every now and then, and I hope that he’ll make it one of these days.

    I also played with Pedroia’s and Pulley’s older brothers (Brett and Josh, respectively).  I can’t wait for Dustin to get his shot.  I haven’t actually heard anything about Matt.

    Have a great week!


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