I went to a mid-pregnancy education class with Kelly yesterday. Kaiser puts these on for free for its members, so I was surprised that there were only four other women in the room.
The instructor was a short, fireball of a woman with a slight Filipino accent. Her name was Beth, and her employee identification badge said, “Health Educator.” She was very funny. At one point, she was describing how some pregnant women sleep using a donut-like full body pillow. One of the other women in the room was confused as to how the mechanics of using such a device worked. Beth stuck out her arms, spread her legs apart to just a bit wider than shoulder width, hunched over her back and, in a Triumph the Insult Comic Dog voice, she said, “You know, like if you’re sitting in a flotation device.” It was all I could do not to laugh.
Toward the end of the 1.5 hour session, Beth fired off this little nugget: “You ladies, since your bladders are getting squeezed by the baby, you might find that when you sneeze or cough, some urine will leak out. Well, you and your partner can use this as a bonding experience.”
Wait – what??? Ew.
I looked at Kelly and I could tell that she was thinking exactly the same thing: Whenever this happens, Jon is supposed to wipe my pee hole, and I guess that will bring us closer together. Right… This lady is a sicko.
Luckily, that’s not what Beth meant at all. She went on to lecture the women about the importance of strengthening their pelvic floor, and how this would help them at delivery time (I’ll spare you the graphic details).
And, thus, I was introduced to the art of kegeling. Apparently men can kegel, too, and there are certain “benefits” to be gained from doing so. I’m not quite sure what they are, but I would guess that it makes you better in the sack, from the wink-wink-nudge-nudge way in which Beth said it.
So, I guess the way that Kelly and I are supposed to bond now is to look deep into each other’s eyes, and, with longing and affection, realize how much we mean to each other…and then have a kegel-off. Cue the Dueling Banjos music.