I am that neighbor. Days after the garbage man has come by and emptied our Toters, mine are still sitting out on the street. Even though 99% of the people in our neighborhood have put theirs away, and even though I park no more than 10 feet away from my Toters when they’re on the street, I just can’t bring myself to put them away in a timely fashion. Sometimes, the wind will knock one of them over, and I still can’t be bothered to do anything about it.
Of course, under normal circumstances, I would never admit this to you, but someone has exposed my neighborhood douchebaggery to the world, so I figured I had better come clean:
I hate you, Google Maps.
A coworker of mine recently visited the salad bar of a local grocery store. Dissatisfied with some of the store’s recent changes, she decided to write a letter:
I used to come to your store for the salad bar – where a employee would hand make it for me and toss it. It was great. Now we have a manual salad bar with half the ingredients and no way to toss the salad. I am disappointed and have no reason to shop at <store name> anymore.
Here is the store’s EPICALLY AWESOME response:
Many thanks for your email and for sharing your thoughts with us. As store director, I’m always eager to hear what’s on your mind because you’re our valued guest. Your feedback is extremely important to me and my staff, and I want to follow up with you personally.
You share with us your disappointment with regards to our new salad bar arrangement. I’m so glad you’ve voiced your concerns, as I’ve got some information that I hope will please you. We feature a wide variety of salad options for our guests, including choices of greens, 26 different salad ingredients, and eight different dressings, just to name a few. Chicken and salmon (along with other items) are available in our deli case. You mention that you miss having an associate toss your salad. Please know that we would be delighted to toss your salad for you, so please don’t hesitate to ask any associate – we’re here to serve you and to ensure your complete care and satisfaction. In addition, if there’s a salad item that isn’t at the bar, please contact an associate, and we’ll check to see if that item is available.
<snip>, we’re committed to providing you with spectacular service, a unique shopping experience, and the finest products at the lowest overall prices of any full-service market. After all, you deserve nothing less!
*That* is customer service.
This is easily my favorite news story of 2008:
FRESNO, California (AP) — Authorities say they’ve arrested a man who broke into the home of two California farmworkers, stole money, rubbed one with spices and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing.
Fresno County sheriff’s Lt. Ian Burrimond says 22-year-old Antonio Vasquez was found hiding in a field wearing only a T-shirt, boxers and socks after the Saturday morning attack.
He says deputies arrested Vasquez after finding a wallet containing his ID in the ransacked house.
It’s okay to be nuts if you’re smart, too, but this guy was crazy and stupid.
In an article about Broadcom co-founder Henry T. Nicholas III and the creative ways in which he criminally indulged himself, there is this passage:
In 2001, Nicholas smoked so much marijuana during a flight on a private jet between Orange County and Las Vegas that the pilot had to put on an oxygen mask, the indictment states.
Hey, if you’re gonna go down, go down in style.
Twitter, you blow goats.
(This is something I'd normally post on Twitter, but, oh, look it's down. AGAIN. Seriously.)
… and sometimes it's not. The category 72 hurricane that blew through Northern California today really did a number on our fence:
Damn, look at that! A waterfront property! Our property value just went through the roof!
The half-fence is quite the eyesore, though.
But wait! Said homeowner has an engineering degree. I sense ingenuity and brilliance inspiring a clever, elegant solution to the problem at hand!
Ohhhh, riiiiiight… he got his degree from a state school.
So the moral of the story is, if you foresee weaknesses or potential problems with your current house, sell it and let some other schmuck worry about it.
F**king dog's ass STINKS right now.
I was all ready to file this one under "Redundant Slurs Against White People", until I looked at the picture.
ETA: Speaking of crackers, we're teaching American Sign Language to Troy, hoping that it will reduce the terror of the Terrible Twos by allowing him to communicate his needs to us. We're using the Baby Signing Time series of videos.
One of the first words they teach you is "cracker":
Click to see a video demonstration of the word "cracker" being signed
Of course, me being me, I couldn't resist; instead of making the correct sign, I simply said "cracker" and pointed at Kelly.
That set off an internal struggle inside my brainial region:
I'm so offended!
No, wait – that was HILARIOUS!
It's tough being a half-breed.