Your dog is fat, and it's your fault

Great f*cking Caesar’s ghost – there is now an obesity drug for dogs.

The government approved the first drug for obese canines on Friday. Called Slentrol, the Pfizer Inc. drug is aimed at helping fat Fidos shed extra pounds. 

Here are some tips to get your adipose Alpo-eater to lose some weight:

  • Feed it a reasonable amount of food.  We have an 85 lb Labrador Retriever.  He gets 1.75 cups of kibble in the morning, and 1.75 cups of kibble at night.  That’s it.
  • Cut back on the treats.  They are, after all, treats.  Our dog only gets them after we shove a pill down his throat, or when we’re feeling nice and he’s being good.  I’d say he averages one small, bite-sized piece of dog biscuit about every 3 or 4 days.  And when I say small, I mean small.  Make the “OK” sign with your thumb and index finger.  The treat should easily fit into the middle of the “O”.
  • No table scraps.  Feeding your dog people food is a surefire way to send him or her to Fat City.  The only “human” food our dog gets is a baby carrot every now and then.
  • Exercise!  Get your mutt’s lazy butt off the couch and out into the sunlight.

Obviously, I am not a vet.  Consult your vet before changing your dog’s diet and/or exercise regimen blah blah blah.

When you cut the crap out of your dog’s diet, he’ll start looking at you like you’re Satan, but Fido will survive.  Unless you’re training for the Iditarod, or you have an especially active pooch (in which case your dog won’t be fat anyway), the critters just don’t need that much food to live on.

Our vet relayed a story to us.  She was treating a particularly obese animal, trying to get its weight down.  When she asked the owner how much he was feeding the dog, he said 1 cup.  There’s no way, she thought.  This dog is just too fat.  So she asked him what kind of cup – a drinking cup, or a measuring cup.  Turns out he was using a 64 oz Big Gulp to scoop out the dog food.  *slaps forehead*

Anyway, it’s pretty simple: more calories coming in than being burned off = doggie gains weight.  Just like humans.

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